Over the years I have become increasingly crunchy.
I think, though, that I’m way less granola than I set out to be. What changed? Some of these hippie (I say that lovingly..I am so a hippie) moms are COMPLETELY ALIENATING! I thought that this free loving, clean eating, earth hugging, cloth diapering-because-it-saves-landfill-space mommas would be way more…I don’t know…NICE…than they are. Don’t get me wrong, there are some super awesome crunchy, attachment parenting moms. But in my experience, when these moms band together in groups they get internet muscles and things can get downright UGLY.
When I had my first baby and started cloth diapering I ventured into the world of “natural parenting”…aka crunchiness. As I made friends with other cloth diapering moms I learned about different ways to incorporate natural parenting into my life. I so wanted to be a part of the “trendy” group, but I soon learned that these women were straight up mommy BULLIES!
I wanted to be a crunchy momma, but not the annoying kind that see the adorable picture you took of your kid in the backseat of your car with a french fry up their nose…and instead of seeing how HILARIOUS (amiright?) your kid is, they see (not only see, but COMMENT ON THE PICTURE) that your kids chest clip is actually AN INCH BELOW their chest level…not RIGHT AT THEIR CHEST…and, “how dare you put your kid in such danger you irresponsible parent that didn’t leave your kid rear facing until they were 7….AND you put your 3 year old in a STROLLER instead of wearing them around the mall?! That poor child….Oh, you have a new baby that you wear? Why don’t you just TANDEM WEAR THEM..you know, wear one on the front and one on the back. You’ll get REALLY good at it one day and you won’t even have to take them out of the carriers to go pee!” (realtalk, someone said to to me once). “It makes me SICK to see moms feeding their babies out of bottles in public!” (this comment got this person promptly removed from my friend’s list).
Yall, some of these moms even turn on their own kind and go so far as to make sideways jabs about who is the MOST crunchy…”Oh, you cloth diaper? What kind of diapers do you use? Oh, Bumgenius microfiber? We prefer Bumgenius ELEMENTALS, you know, because they’re organic and all…” Freaking. Insane. Nobody gives two flying shits about what you put on your kid’s butt to catch their poop. (See what I did there?). I also recently saw a fight on a cloth diapering chat board about whether it was more eco-friendly to use a cloth diaper sprayer or to use liners for your cloth diapers. Seriously. These are the things these women choose to fill their days with. Nobody is safe.
Some of the other bully mommy comments that have come from the crunchy mommy world is that choosing not to eat healthy while I was pregnant was selfish and it’s unfortunate that I didn’t want to do better for my unborn child. I should have breastfed for 2 years no matter what the cost to myself, because choosing to give my kid formula was like poisoning him. ANYTHING was better than formula. You should make your own home made pedialyte with coconut water (who they heck just has this stuff sitting around?) for your sick kid, the store bought stuff is horrible for them. You feed your kid COW MILK THAT IS PASTEURIZED?! Raw milk is not as dangerous as people think it is and is so much better for you…(nevermind that the FDA very clearly posits against the consumption of it…it MUST be a government CONSPIRACY!). Better yet, just use almond or coconut milk. Anything but cow milk. People that choose to vaccinate or circumcise their kids are just uneducated. I’m educated because I googled some crap and it scared me out of vaccinating and circumcising my kids. I did my RESEARCH! (FYI, if your “research” begins with “www.huffingtonpost.com” then it doesn’t count).
I even saw a post on a babywearing group once where a mom posted a picture of her husband wearing their baby in a Baby Bjorn. The mom was SUPER proud that A) She had chosen to babywear her baby and was now in this super trendy babywearing Facebook group where she could connect with other moms and B) Her baby daddy was BABYWEARING! How cute is that? Yeah, well I just sat and waited because I knew exactly what was coming. First, there were a few “awe, cute!” posts from moms that aren’t insane. And then it happened…”Awe, cute. But you should know that there are much safer carriers out there for your baby. The one in this picture can cause serious problems for your baby’s hips. We would love to educate you about better carriers!” W.T.F. It’s like a motherfreaking cult. Who died and made yall the world educators of best baby carrying practices? So, instead of this mom joining the group, coming to a meeting, and learning about better baby carriers that way…these mom just couldn’t HELP but call her out because their insane brains tell them that it is their DUTY to correct moms that are making mistakes. DUTY, yall. These chicks see a Baby Bjorn and the hair stands up on their necks..it is that serious. They actually go so far as to go to yard sales and flea markets and BUY BABY BJORNS just so that they can throw them away so that they don’t get into the hands of moms that could *gasp* USE THEM ON THEIR BABIES.
On and on and on and on with the judgment! Moms, if you’ve done any of the above things then take it from me….you are doing nothing but alienating people. Sure, your fellow crunchtastic moms may come to your aid and help you battle that horrible pasteurized milk serving mom…and you’ll get this super awesome sense of crunchy comradery… but you will never have a chance at convincing that lady buying Pedialyte at Walmart at 1AM that you are a nice, nonjudgmental person. “But Katy, we don’t care if people like us or not. We just want to make sure they are educated!” Sigh. Such is the nature of these moms. And it’s sad.
I want to like you, I really do. I want to come to the flea market with you and walk around in an awesome wolfpack of ladies with babies strapped to them while everyone stares and says, “awww!” I want to be in the babywearing flash mob at the mall. I want to go on daytrips to Whole Foods and Trader Joes and have playdates at hip cool parks. I want to be invited to the baby blessingway (which is the hipster’s alternative to a baby shower)….But I also want you all to stop being judgmental buttholes…and until you do, I guess I’ll just go about my heathen business. You know, forgetting to wash my inorganic vegetables and buying from Monsanto.